he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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