So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
