I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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