Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
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