i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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