Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
