i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
