I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
