The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
