FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
