I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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