i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
