note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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