I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
