Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
