I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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