and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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