I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
