After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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