WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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