I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
