Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
