Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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