I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
