how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
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