Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
