I feel like abortions should bother me more
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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