well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My ass is underappreciated
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
