There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
