I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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