i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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