I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
