My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
