I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
