Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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