Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
