My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
