You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize