someone owes me an orgasm
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
