He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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