My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
