yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
