how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
