I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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