you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
