oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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