my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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