Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
