I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
