my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
