You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Buhtt sex?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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