The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I need a beard to bite.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
